Jokes about cats

There are countless jokes about cats. They're made up, based on true stories from real life where unfortunate cats made people laugh with their unpredictable and often inappropriate reactions, or they're played up on well-known scenes and proverbs. Basically, wherever there's a humorous element, you can bring in the cats, and it only gets funnier.

Don't believe me? See for yourself: the hottest topic today is March cats.

Jokes about March cats: fact and fiction

• Vaska the cat jumped around, sinking belly-deep in snowdrifts, nervously twitching his whiskers and screaming in the most disgusting, guttural voice somewhere into the sky:
  — Where is your vaunted spring? Where is the sun, the green grass? Where are the fat mice? Where are the girls, finally? Why is there still snow and cold?
  And only people looked at this action through the windows and nodded their heads in approval:
  - Well done Vaska, he senses that spring is coming soon, you can’t fool a cat!

The joke originated from the following: a huge, ferocious cat went out for his usual walk in the courtyard of a private house, bravely trudging through the hated snowdrifts, all the while meowing eloquently. The video garnered a huge number of views on YouTube, with people laughing and creating an interesting voiceover.

But most often, March cats are associated with unbridled love, howling under the window all night long, and bragging.

• The cat was asked:
  – Tell me, is it true that in March…
  – What are you saying? Don't narrow the world, March is no exception!
• Cats, like women, love with their ears. Otherwise, why would cats be there in the spring? So they're yelling?
• The guy complains to his friends:
  "I'm so sick of those cats screaming outside my window! Those March creatures are so affectionate... I've already set a bull terrier on them..."
  - And what, did he eat the cats?!
  - Yeah... Do you need any bull terrier puppies?
• A woman had a cat who was especially affectionate, not just in March, which greatly displeased his owner. She tried everything she could to persuade him, appealed to his conscience, and threatened him—but he was unfazed. Finally, the woman took him to the vet, who performed his scalpel-like magic on him and did his dirty work. As soon as the cat recovered from the anesthesia, he immediately went on a spree, returning skinny, ragged, but happy!
  The woman is perplexed:
  — You were castrated, weren't you? Why did you need to go outside?
  — So what? Bury such talent without training the young people?
• In spring, Leopold the cat is inspired and energetic; he counts on more than just friendship.
• In March, female cats are not far behind male cats.
• Two cats met:
  - He promised to marry me!
  - When?
  - Yes, at the beginning of March.
  - Ah, listen more, they promise everything in March.
• A cat and a tomcat are playing hide-and-seek, he's the driver. She playfully says to him:
  "Close your eyes and count to ten, then look. If you find it, you'll get everything you dream of, but if you don't, remember: I'm in that closet!"

Jokes from the series about a man and a cat

The "love" between men and cats is well-known. I wonder why they hate each other so much? After all, they can't live without each other either!

There is a collection of jokes about a man who wanted to get rid of his cat.

• The neighbors are chatting:
  "I'm really worried about my husband. He went to the river to drown the kittens, but he still hasn't returned."
  — Maybe he's looking for a more comfortable place? Or saying goodbye...
  - Maybe he is saying goodbye, of course, but why did the kittens crawl home an hour ago?
• A man was determined to get rid of his cat, and that's how he got rid of him. He took him to the woods, and before he could even get home, the tomcat was waiting for him in the hallway. What was he supposed to do for sure? The guys at work advised him to put the cat in a bag so it couldn't see the way, and not just take it to the woods, but to constantly twist and turn, completely confusing it. So the man set off early in the morning: a kilometer southwest, ten kilometers north, then about three hundred meters east, and then circled around a couple of times. Tired, dizzy, he sat down to rest and threw the bag into the bushes. It was time to go home... Damn, it seems like the wrong way, and I don't think I've ever driven like this before... It was already dark when he calls his wife:
  — Is this creature home?
  - Yes, I came a long time ago.
  — Ask him whether to turn right or left from the big birch tree?
• A family got tired of their cat and decided to throw him out. But to keep him from returning home—everyone knows about animals' habits—they decided to take him far away and take a more difficult route. So the man and the cat went into the woods, never seeing him again, and the wife was starting to get nervous. Late at night, the doorbell rang, and both of them were standing on the threshold.
  The wife pounced:
  — Where have you been? Why did they let you go into the forest? Why did the cat come back with you?
  - Yeah, if it weren’t for the cat, I wouldn’t have gotten out of that forest; I followed his footsteps home.
• A man and a cat are talking in the kitchen. The man is nervous:
  - My wife gave birth to three children yesterday, I have no idea what to do.
  The cat calms down:
  — So what if it's triplets? You'll give them away in no time and be done with it!

• One guy was a football player, and his cat never slept on the floor, curled up in a cozy ball.
• Male logic: if I woke up at night, it means I was woken up; if I was woken up in the middle of the night, it means the matter is important and urgent, so, cat, I'm listening to you carefully.
• A man's cat took a dump in his slippers and he's sitting there wondering what to throw in the trash: the cat or the shoes?
• Cats and men have one thing in common: they're suspiciously affectionate when they're hungry or have messed up.
• - Darling, you need to get a cat.
  — What happened? Stalled?
• A man stayed late with friends, tiptoed home so as not to wake his wife, and didn't turn on the light. Drunk, he stepped on his cat in the dark, and the cat screamed like crazy. His wife jumped up and turned on the light. Before she could even wake up and check her watch, the man managed to get out of it:
  "There you are, you beast, where you've been lying! Why have I been looking for you this morning? Why am I so worried?"
• Some guys are sitting there, drinking, and talking about their cats:
  — My cat's name is Styrofoam: I drown him and drown him while fishing, but he always floats to the surface.
  — And mine is nicknamed Boomerang: no matter where you throw it, it always comes back to the same place.
  - Well, I have a cat named Giordano Bruno.
  - You're a sadist!
  - Don't get any ideas, he just likes to look at the stars through a telescope.
• A man's cat was constantly shitting on the carpet in his room. No amount of talking or scolding helped. He remembered a tried-and-true trick: rubbing the cat's nose in the mess until he felt disgusted. So one time the cat did it, the man shove-shove his nose, then throws it out the window—luckily, it's on the first floor. The same pattern a second time, a third... The cat continued to shit on the carpet. Then the man thought hard about what else to do, sat down in a chair, and remained silent. Then he saw the cat enter the room, oblivious to his owner, settle down on the carpet, do its dirty business, poke its nose into the mess, and then, with a yelp, throw itself out the window!
• The other day I caught my husband: he was polishing his laptop with my cat!
• - Mom, let's buy a kitten?
  - No, I'm allergic to animal hair.
  - Darling, for a mink coat too?

Cats in everyday life: what could be funnier?

• Today the cat managed to poop so badly that he accidentally ended up in his litter box.
• A cat is such a smart animal that when you shout, “Where are you going?!”, it automatically changes direction.
• A cat's worst nightmare: a child's unsteady gait, arms outstretched, and a joyful "Kiii ...
• Our cat was also afraid of the vacuum cleaner at first... but then it was okay, she got used to it.
• The secret of a perpetual motion machine is simple: a cat plus a bag.
• How can I explain to my cat that the apartment is already ours and that we don’t need to mark it?
• We spent two weeks training the cat for puddles in the toilet. It turned out to be more prosaic – a pipe was leaking.
• There is not a single person who gets ready for work on a rainy autumn morning and does not envy their cat.
• — Can I pet the cat?
  — Of course you can! Now I'll just go to the pharmacy for iodine and bandages.
• Grandma calls the Ministry of Emergency Situations:
  - Hello, I have a cat. can't get down from the treeCome and help me take it off.
  - Granny, the cat will come down on its own when it gets tired of sitting there.
  "You monsters, what if she can't do it herself? Will she die of hunger there?"
  - Granny, do you often see cat skeletons in trees?

• A little girl at a party saw a kitten for the first time, while the cat allowed it, played with it, and poked its muzzle into the milk.
  Suddenly he shouts:
  - Dad, the kitten got milk on his face, please wipe him off.
  - Don't worry, his mom will lick him.
  The girl impatiently tugs at her mother's skirt:
  - Mom, come on, Mom, the kitten is still dirty, when will you lick it?
• A husband and wife at a resort are trying to figure out if they've done everything at home and turned it off:
  — Did you pour out some food for Vaska?
  - No, I thought you would do it.
  — Some cats we come across are unlucky; every time they go on vacation, they die.
• At work, they were arguing about the benefits and harms of keeping hamsters in an apartment. The argument ended with:
  — Once I didn’t have time to buy Whiskas for my cat, but hamsters really helped out.
• A cat's thoughts as she settled down to poop on the carpet behind the sofa:
  - Yes, it’s impossible, of course, but there are mitigating circumstances: no one can see – that’s one, it’s dark around – that’s two, and I’ll bury it securely – that’s three!
• — Ambulance? Come quickly, our son swallowed a live mouse!
  - Let's go, and in the meantime, open your son's mouth wider and hold the cheese, in case a mouse jumps out for the cheese?
  The ambulance crew arrived, and the picture was: my son, his mouth wide open, a sprat held in front of his nose.
  The doctor nervously:
  — I asked for cheese, not sprat, mice love cheese.
  -Yes, but now we are luring the cat out.

Cats and food: funny stories

The most famous joke is about a cat and buckwheat (pasta, potatoes and other things that cats “love”).

• The man decided to save a little money, thinking, why not eat buckwheat for a few days: healthy, cheap? But the cat didn't immediately understand his train of thought.
  The first day at my bowl of buckwheat proudly:
  - Ugh, how disgusting, no way!
  The second day at the bowl of buckwheat is sad:
  — Buckwheat again, no variety.
  On the third day, at the same bowl with the same buckwheat, but with hope:
  — Is buckwheat healthy?
  On the fourth day, the cat flies into the kitchen, stops by the bowl and happily:
  - Oh, they're giving us buckwheat, hurray!!

Or in short:

• -Ugh, buckwheat...
  — Buckwheat again?
  - Oh, buckwheat!
• Vaska was a strange cat: he respected herring under a fur coat, meat behind the sofa, sausage under the table, cutlets under the blanket... In general, he was very shy about food.
• How cultural traditions are formed based on cinema: many people still eat sandwiches with the sausage side down just because a cat in a cartoon said it tastes better that way.
• A cat is a very sociable creature. He will never reproach you for eating at night. He will simply eat with you for the company!
• The Jews bought a kilogram of meat and hid it in the pantry. They checked the next morning—the meat was gone. They wondered where it could have gone, and their suspicion fell on the cat—it had eaten it! They caught the cat, put it on the scale, and found it weighed exactly one kilogram.
  Then the grandfather says:
  - Okay, we found the meat, but where did the cat go?

• A cat comes into a bar and says:
  — A glass of beer and some salted nuts, please. I got a job nearby and will be stopping by.
  The bartender is perplexed, but keeps serving. The cat sits at the bar, sipping a beer. The bartender can't resist—what's going on, a talking cat with beer? He calls the circus director and tells him what happened. The director drives up to see this miracle, is delighted, makes up a routine on the fly, and begins seducing the cat:
  — Do you want to earn a thousand dollars?
  — I want to, but what should I do?
  - Well, I'm the director of the circus, I wanted you to join us...
  "Well, actually, you could join the circus, but I don't get it. Why do you need programmers?"

The quintessence of cat humor

Remember how it used to be: "A Russian, a German, and a Frenchman met..." and the story would go on for half an hour, with the beginning forgotten by the end? Nowadays, all jokes have to be short and hilarious, and memes are especially popular—a funny drawing or photo that plays on a familiar situation, with the characters replaced by popular figures—or they fantasize about mischievous cats based on the photo.

Cat memes are so funny it makes you cry; it's so unexpected to see animal faces in certain situations.

Jokes about a sore subject for cats

• At the veterinary clinic, after the cat's neutering operation, the nurse writes out the documents and fills out a card:
  — What is the cat’s name and age?
  - Fidel, now Castro, two years.
• I'm sure there's an invisible but strong bond between an owner and their pet. Like, my cat hurt his paw once, and out of nowhere, my leg started hurting, or something else... Wait! Damn it, I scheduled my cat for neutering tomorrow!!!
• A beautiful and slender girl is riding on a bus and holding a kitten on her lap, gently stroking it.
  The man next to me couldn't resist and playfully hinted:
  — I wish I were in your kitten’s place!
  The girl pulls him back:
  - Well, that's unlikely: I'm taking him to the veterinary clinic to get castrated.
• An old maid sat in her kitchen, drinking weak tea and mentally reviewing her dreary life: how could she change it? If only a smart, understanding man with similar lifestyles, someone she wouldn't have to be embarrassed about, someone who would always understand and be loyally by her side, someone who would be glad to see her return home from work, someone who would warm her lonely bed, someone who would cuddle her in the morning and say all sorts of sweet things… Her gaze fell on the cat. There! There he is, the man of my dreams! If only for my righteous life, for my impeccable reputation, a higher power would reward me and the cat would turn into a man…
  The cat looked at her with some deep thought, even a little vindictively:
  "Fool, have you forgotten how you took me to those executioners to be castrated? I told you not to!"

The theme of cats in jokes is inexhaustible; life itself constantly throws up fresh ideas, these animals are so original and amazing.

The best collection of funny cat videos

Read also:

• Funny jokes about cats
• Interesting facts about cats
• Why can't you look a cat in the eyes?